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Submitted on
October 13, 2011
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"No one deserves this
It cannot be real
The anger, distress
And depression I feel

Please give me a second
My strength just disbands
I can't live this way
And I don't understand

What is this madness?
It never happened before
Fifteen years
And my heart is so sore…"

~

Why did you do this?
Turn his laugh to a frown
His smile to tears
And let him break down?

~M
Your pain flew into me, and I let it out.
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:iconcr2o3:
ow
fantastic rhyming!!!
like this a lot
:)
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:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso May 6, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks!
Reply
:iconthefinalhikari:
TheFinalHikari Nov 11, 2011   General Artist
Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at :iconwriters--club:! :la:

This piece tells of quite a lot of emotion! Your ideas here are quite good. The doubtful and questioning tones of this piece are expressed very clearly. Your introduction was well composed as well, since it sets a mood that many readers can relate to.

My only suggestion would be to make the 15 as a written out "fifteen." :nod: It gives the piece a more eloquent and professional feeling.

Keep up the good work! :highfive:


*TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club, #LandoftheSky, and #Live-Love-Write
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Nov 11, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you so much for the feedback! :)
Reply
:iconthefinalhikari:
TheFinalHikari Nov 11, 2011   General Artist
You're welcome! :iconlachoirplz:
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Oct 28, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you soooo much :D
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:iconloulougstp:
The picture is great makes me think about 2 lungs to clean the planet ! great !!
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Oct 20, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ooh that's actually a really cool idea..
Reply
:iconabnormal-jester:
AbnoRmal-JeSter Oct 18, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
ITS A LIE PEOPLE CANT LUV AND SUFFER AT 15! ....good you understand
Reply
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