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"No one deserves this
It cannot be real
The anger, distress
And depression I feel

Please give me a second
My strength just disbands
I can't live this way
And I don't understand

What is this madness?
It never happened before
Fifteen years
And my heart is so sore…"

~

Why did you do this?
Turn his laugh to a frown
His smile to tears
And let him break down?

~M
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:iconcr2o3:
Cr2O3 Featured By Owner May 6, 2012
ow
fantastic rhyming!!!
like this a lot
:)
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner May 6, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
thanks!
Reply
:iconrollingtomorrow:
RollingTomorrow Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2011   General Artist
Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at :iconwriters--club:! :la:

This piece tells of quite a lot of emotion! Your ideas here are quite good. The doubtful and questioning tones of this piece are expressed very clearly. Your introduction was well composed as well, since it sets a mood that many readers can relate to.

My only suggestion would be to make the 15 as a written out "fifteen." :nod: It gives the piece a more eloquent and professional feeling.

Keep up the good work! :highfive:


*TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club, #LandoftheSky, and #Live-Love-Write
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
thank you so much for the feedback! :)
Reply
:iconrollingtomorrow:
RollingTomorrow Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2011   General Artist
You're welcome! :iconlachoirplz:
Reply
:iconl3xil3in:
L3xil3in Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2011
:bulletpink::bulletwhite::bulletyellow:Congrats:bulletyellow::bulletwhite::bulletpink:
[link]

:iconiloveitmoreplz:
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
thank you soooo much :D
Reply
:iconloulougstp:
LOULOUGSTP Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2011
The picture is great makes me think about 2 lungs to clean the planet ! great !!
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
ooh that's actually a really cool idea..
Reply
:iconabnormal-jester:
AbnoRmal-JeSter Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
ITS A LIE PEOPLE CANT LUV AND SUFFER AT 15! ....good you understand
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
it's true, 15 years shouldn't be enough time to suffer :-/
Reply
:iconfrencifry:
Frencifry Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Student Writer
i love the way the picture corresponds with the poem to create an effect of how this is so dreary and painful...job very well done(:
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:iconfrencifry:
Frencifry Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Student Writer
no problem(:
you have a real talent ye know(:
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
aww really? thank you so much :D
Reply
:iconfrencifry:
Frencifry Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Student Writer
yes really(:
no thanks needed when it's the truth(:
no lie(:
Reply
:iconpubjunk:
Pubjunk Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Well done. And I love the effect the photo has, as if it is a sad angel, wings that are stripped winter trees instead of full and lush feathered wings.
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:iconkirarl:
Kirarl Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
good
Reply
:iconparislynne:
ParisLynne Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011   Photographer
Wonderful photo.
Reply
:icondp0128:
dp0128 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
wow its so beautifully done! :)
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
thank you :) I can't believe so many people liked it! :D
Reply
:icondp0128:
dp0128 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
haha well its really good, you deserve each one!! :D i wish i had the same! :P
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
just look for inspiration, and you'll find it :)
Reply
:icondp0128:
dp0128 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
hmmmmm yeah, your right thanks :D
Reply
:iconhgiahb:
hgiahb Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011
This is amazing, and it's so how I feel, I love the pic too because it looks like the angels are wings :)
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks :)
Reply
:iconthebabyduck:
Thebabyduck Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011
I am worried where you get these ideas! XD
Haven't talked to you in forever! Hope everything is all good with you!
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I have a good inspiration ;)
Reply
:iconjessicavanhelsing:
jessicavanhelsing Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Wonderfully written :clap: Unfortunately, I can relate to this :(
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Thanks.. I think we can all relate in some way, we all feel pain for others as well as ourselves.
Reply
:iconstarthedragon:
starthedragon Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
Wonderful! Well done! Sadly, this is how i feel at the time, but it doesnt change how i feel about it~
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Everything will get better with time. :)
Reply
:iconstarthedragon:
starthedragon Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2011
Mhmm, thanks. That helps ^^
Reply
:iconbluebird236:
BlueBird236 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
:clap:
Reply
:iconmayastoso:
mayastoso Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you :D
Reply
:iconbluebird236:
BlueBird236 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Your welcome :)
Reply
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